Bangalore, April 2021: Dr. May May, during a special session of the Bangalore Literature Festival, was thrown a Mochi size 6 casual khaki loafer at when she mentioned that “while objectophiliacs are mentally deranged, their derangement is not a feminist issue.” Critics have called her a hypocrite and a self-involved snob for publishing a whole book about the “non-issue”.
Dr. May defines objectophilia as a sexual and/or romantic attraction toward inanimate objects and objectification as degrading someone to the status of a mere object. “You can see where some people get confused,” says Dr. May. “Objectophiliacs and women objectifiers have different kinds of illnesses.”
If he has a thing for her, fine.
If he has a thing for it, trouble.
If she is the thing, call the police and/or twitter-police.
Mr. Nariman “Nari” Dealer took offence on behalf of all women in the country and called for a twitter ban on Dr. May going against feminism. Nari Dealer questioned Dr. May’s loyalty to feminism. He tweeted, “Women objectification is no joke. Dr. May is a thing of the past. She’s wrong. #cancelmaymay”
Popular objectophiliac and part-time general scholar on the prime time television news circuit, Ms. Samanpreet Kaur defended people of her affliction with an online statement: “… before, it was all men are equal. Now, we have changed the paradigm to all humans are equal. We just want to nudge the public narrative a bit further. Everything is equal.”
Objectophiliacs Anonymous took out a walking march in front of the Lit Fest’s premises on the morning after the special session with Dr. May. They demonstrated the truth of their love by carrying their object loves in the march. While the people of small affinities carried their wares at the front of the march, others with more elaborate lovers like refrigerators and washing machines had to be offered gatorades and physical help to cross the slightly slopy parking lot.
Some unfortunate objectophiliacs who were married to buildings like the Eiffel tower were unable to obtain permissions to bring their lovers on the Inner Ring Road and hence had to participate with life-sized cut-outs. “God created humans. Humans created buildings. Call me a stickler for the transitive property, but I can only love things if I know where they came from,” said an Eiffel tower lover.