Moodabidri, May 2021: Zoom Inc., which provides seamless communication services across space, has announced that it will soon add to its premium features list seamless communication across time as well^. The Grimes, due to its eminence as a public media body, was given exclusive early access. As a result, we interviewed myriad famous thinkers and historical figures from the previous century.
Presented below is a brief excerpt of the group interview.
The past 18 months have been terrible for the world. A viral pandemic, COVID19, has spread across the world and killed millions of people. Do you have advice for the people of your future?
Stalin: “This is no tragedy. A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Get over it.”
But it brought the world to a standstill. Everyone was locked down, trying to save others from getting infected. We live in a society!
Thatcher: “There is no such thing as a society! The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples’ money.”
We know that the world leaders, Trump, Putin, Johnson, Modi, all made mistakes. But, you’re saying locking down was a mistake?
Thatcher: “Of course. They are all men. I’ve always said, in politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.”
Einstein: “Yes. Yes. This is all a game. God doesn’t play dice with the world. These are culling techniques honed over millennia.”
MLK, Jr.: “Truth. We are not makers of history; we are made by history.”
I really don’t think you are grasping the severity of the damage done here. Millions of people have died.
Einstein: “This reminds me of what Oppenheimer keeps saying at the university cafeteria: ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.’ All that radiation he works with has gotten to his head. Is the whole world irradiated perhaps?”
I will not answer that. But anyway, there is some hope. Numerous vaccines have been made to battle the virus…
Armstrong: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”
Yes. The vaccines will save us. If only we could produce enough of them in time for it to matter.
Gandhi: “No. No. This is too much technology. We need to go back to our roots. In a gentle way, we can shake the world.”
Oh! What do you suggest we do then?
Ali (interrupting Gandhi): “Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. The virus can’t hit what it can’t see.”
Mandela: “No. No. Education. Education is the most powerful weapon we can use to change the world.”
Stalin: “Really, Mr. Mandela? Education is a weapon, yes, but its effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed.”
At the same time, we are spending thousands of crores on a new Parliament building. Do you think that’s also one small step for the Indian man?
Sharma: “Saare jahan se acchha. Astronauts go to space and try to find their country and can’t manage finding them. With the Vista, we Indians will be able to appreciate Hindustan even more.”
But don’t you think India’s PM is cheating the Indian people by investing money into this project, rather than ramp up vaccine production? Isn’t that criminal?
Nixon: I am not a crook.
Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Both of them together: Oh, that wasn’t directed at me. Sorry. Force of habit.
Many are claiming this is a making of the Chinese. Is this not racism?
Churchill: “This is not a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. I can see how it can be the Chinese’s doing. We shall fight them on the beaches. We shall never surrender Hong Kong.”
Gandhi: “No. Inciting violence is not the right way. An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.”
So you do believe that the Chinese did it. You are racist.
Ford: “Racism? What racism? That ended long ago. Any customer of mine can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.”
MLK, Jr.: “I have a dream, a dream where I can drive a black car.”
Ford: “You can do that in a Ford Model T.”
MLK, Jr.: “Oh alright then.”
The interview soon spiralled into discussions of racism, socialism, governance, and war. In the interest of censorship, the transcript of the interview is terminated here.
^As far back as the 1950s, for now.