Chennai, April 2021: After yet another exasperating farrago of demonstrably incoherent emails hit Indian Institute of Technology Madras’ Dean of Academic Courses this mid-semester, the dean broke. In an institute-wide announcement, the dean said, “I am fed up of all of you, students, faculty, and staff. Grasping enough knowledge of the English language to write a concise univocal email is a basic requirement. Get good. Please.”
The dean claims that since his appointment to the post three months ago, he has had to discontinue his research activities indefinitely due to the overwhelming administrative work. He is also believed to have started medications for hypertension last month. “It is a very tense and belabouring position. It is only aggravated by the incomprehensible emails that we receive every day,” said the new secretary to the dean over an email exchange.
The institute-wide announcement also contained the dean’s plea for all members of the institute to download Grammarly extensions onto their web browsers and Grammarly Keyboard onto their mobile devices. In a leaked confidential email to the teaching staff, the dean is said to have asked them to promote Grammarly usage in their classwork and assignments/reports.
Following instructions, a chemistry department professor asked students in his data structures class to use Grammarly via a detailed post on the class’ Moodle forum. The forum post was deleted an hour later after 42 of his 44 students replied to the message with “no u”. In a more recent email in the confidential thread, the dean has emphasised on the professors using Grammarly first.
The dean is also in talks with the Assistant Registrar in charge of tenders and procurement for buying institute-wide premium memberships, for students, faculty, and staff. The transaction may cost the institute an additional two crore rupees in spending every year. Additional Secretaries in the Ministry of Education are peeved and have sent a strongly worded letter to the institute administration.
In an interview with T5E, the institute’s student media body, the students’ general secretary asked: “Is he even allowed to promote private companies and products? Aren’t all govt. officials banned from doing that?” The T5E correspondent reportedly retorted with “maybe you should cut back on watching all that American television.”
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Commerce’s Make in India department is promoting young Indian entrepreneurs to come up with indigenous solutions to the (un)grammatical problems. Entrepreneurs have been asked not to worry about issues such as intellectual property rights.