New Delhi, April 2021: In a surprising press conference, Union Health Minister Dr. Harsh Vardhan declared that the war on COVID19 was too hard and that it was futile. They have decided to regroup and convalesce and then wage war on vertigo instead. “We don’t think we’ll win. We’re just losing too many of our people,” said the Minister for Health. “So, we decided to get back to the drawing board and set new targets. There’s no point crying over unassailable targets.”
“We’ve talked to the WHO and all the major foreign health departments. They’re all on board,” said Minister of State for Health, Mr. Ashwini Kumar Choubey. “We’ve organised the forces—health workers, doctors, slogan writers, and social media experts. Everything’s set. We’ll completely annihilate vertigo.”
Twitterati were concerned how WHO or any other organisation was behind this, but their concerns were soon alleviated. It has come to fore that China is busy with the business in the South China Sea and has loosened the grip on WHO. Also, the whole idea of shifting targets is believed to have come from the US Dept. of Biological Warfare Director and Vietnam War Veteran, General J. Rambo. Gen. Rambo is said to have convinced the international intelligence communities to convince the health departments that this is the best choice.
Upon being asked about why vertigo was being set as the new target, Dr. Vardhan said, “It’s very simple really. The previous management, us mostly, set unachievable targets and that has brought down the morale of the team very very down (sic). We feel like setting this small target will help raise the morale again.”
“Then again, Vertigo, simple as it is,” he continued, “hasn’t been worked on by enough smart minds, because, well, they’ve never been needed to. But now, we can beat it and take the moral win. We’ll all go home after and have some real cause for cheer. Anyway, we’ve given it a few decades’ head start. Now, we’ll just knock on its door, and when it opens the door, carpet-bomb it thoroughly.”
When we asked what would happen if the coronavirus mutates and makes people get vertigo, the Dr. Vardhan was visibly flummoxed. After a few quick words with his team, the minister appeared dismayed and said softly, “oh no. It will do that, won’t it?”
No word since has been heard from the Health Ministry, but another change of target is expected by Monday.