Silicon Valley, April 2021: Simons Say Please Inc., one of thousands in the new AI-powered start-up scene, has launched their first product, the BoomerRemover. BoomerRemover is an AI-powered wireless pair of headphones that modifies the voices the wearer hears^ to make it polite. The speaker’s voice’s texture, pronunciation, accent, and other identifying qualities remain the same, but the tone of voice used is converted to a polite one.
“No, it won’t seem like you are always speaking to Siri or Alexa. It’s not monotonous that way,” said Mr. Tim Simon, CTO of Simons Say Please. “It’s like a person standing in front of you and shouting ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CHEESE ON THIS!’, but all you hear is ‘Can you please add a bit more cheese on this?’ in their own calm voice.”
“This is going to revolutionize the service industry,” said Mr. Tom Simon, CEO of Simons Say Please. “Walmart has seen the potential in BoomerRemover and bought out the first lot. This is sure to reduce their store employees’ stress levels immediately.”
Boomers For Fairness (BFF(s)), a support group for hassled and baffled boomers, has warned Walmart of protests in front of their stores. BFFs believe that the “AI” headphones are powered by 5G and that they cause imbalances in their body’s energy and lead to spread of infectious diseases. “Bringing out such things in the middle of a pandemic is just plain insensitive,” said a mask-on-the-chin BFF, Karen Wachowski.
Several questions have been raised about Walmart procuring BoomerRemovers, primary of which is “Why?” Walmart Press Secretary, Ms. Pavitra Suman, said in an interview, “we care about our employees. It is better to give them the protection of BoomerRemover than to risk them ending up with PTSD due to the savage customers. Working at the frontline entails a lot of pressure and stress, especially when the customers are rude and refuse to obey guidelines.”
Meanwhile, Walmart’s long time management consultants, McKinsey & Co., ceased services for the retail corporation. “They decided that procuring $400 headphones for everyone is cheaper than paying for their therapy. But, do you know what is even cheaper than that? Not paying for therapy at all. You just hire new minimum wagers to replace the weak ones,” said a McKinsey associate formerly consulting the retailer who wished to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons.
Ms. Casandra Wong, a Walmart store employee at the Fresno facililty said, “before, I used to hate going to work. But now, with these headphones, I feel good. It really feels like the company cares about us. Now, if only they could pay us slightly more than minimum wage so I can afford to buy my dog some treats.”
^Not applicable to internal monologues and ghostly heart-to-hearts